Nothing Says Luxury Like Chez Colonoscopy Camp at UC Davis Hospital

Realtor Elizabeth Weintraub at Chez Colonoscopy Camp in Sacramento, California

When the marketing director at Lyon Real Estate called to ask if I would be available to receive a Lyon Top 3 Agent award at our celebration last month, my response was sure, as long as I’m not at Chez Colonoscopy Camp. She thought I was joking, comparing the awards celebration with a colonoscopy. Oh, no, a colonoscopy is slightly different, for one thing, there are drugs involved. I didn’t notice anybody snorting, smoking or shooting up at the Lyon Awards celebration.

I couldn’t recall offhand when I had made the appointment because the staff at UC Davis called when we were vacationing to see the migration of the butterflies in Mexico. Is this a good time, the nurse asked, when I was huffing and puffing it up the mountainside in the Sierra Madre Oriental. The only thing I wanted was the darned pill. They have a pill now so you don’t have to drink 4,000 ML of Gavilyte. Unfortunately, my doctor at Chez Colonoscopy Camp does not feel the pill is as effective.

May as well do the colonoscopy before all of my Sacramento listings hit MLS in the next few weeks. And this time, I was determined to make my experience at Chez Colonoscopy Camp a bit more luxurious and comfy than my first time, 10 years ago. For starters, I consumed a fairly bland diet for the week before. This should be a place where a person goes on vacation, you know, Chez Colonoscopy Camp, because I would book a week. A place where they prepare all my meals of butter-poached lobsters and chilled oysters, where I can schedule regular massages, microblade eyebrows, receive facials and manicures, soak in a hot tub, and every night before bed, a shot of single malt scotch.

Just to ease into the experience. I’d even do a little yoga, meditation, and just relax, away from the hustle and bustle. I’d order a couple bidets for my suite, one with hot water and another chilled at freezer temperatures. Perhaps a few fairies to scamper about and powder my butt when necessary. Don’t be whiney about your hiney. Madam, would you like us to cut up your lemon popsicle for you?

Couple of things I learned this time around, though, at Chez Camp Colonoscopy. First, when you drink the first half of the solution, it helps to drink the chilled beverage very fast through a straw. I set my cellphone alarm to go off every 10 minutes. I calculated 4,000 ml at 8 ounces each would take an hour and 20 minutes. So I started at 3 PM and was finished by 4:30. It also helps to read or play a computer game so you’re not focusing on sipping the Gavilyte, and you’re concentrating on something else. When you’re sucking bottom, you’re done and you don’t even know it.

I repeated this process beginning at 9 PM and was finished by 10:10. I slipped in a couple of extra glasses on the front end while I still had the energy, because believe you me, by the time you get to the last few glasses, it’s really tough. I pounded on my doctor prior to this, demanding to know why I had to drink the same amount of solution as a 300 lb male when I am a small woman. She finally conceded that I didn’t have to drink the whole thing, but I in truth, I suspect I just wore her down and she really believes everybody should consume every last drop.

Oddly enough, I slept through the night rather soundly. Up and early for Chez Colonoscopy Camp, arriving at UC Davis at 7 AM. They bring you warm blankets and replace the blankets when one of the blankets cool off. That’s a nice touch. The RN compared it to The Hyatt, but obviously he has never stayed at The Hyatt. And then, just when you get all comfy and snuggled in, along comes the drugs. That’s really the best part. When I woke up, I was in another room. Plop this Sacramento real estate selling machine back on the road because I’m good to go for another 10 years.

Most likely your insurance covers a colonoscopy. Doctors recommend at minimum 3 colonoscopies for all healthy adults, beginning at age 50 or 55. If you’ve never had one, don’t be afraid, embrace it. And check out my tips for getting through Chez Colonoscopy Camp.